Last week we talked about the first pillar of the Bridge of Communication: knowing your spouse. Being curious. Going beneath the surface. If you missed it, start there.
But here’s the hard truth: knowing isn’t enough.
You can understand your spouse perfectly. You can read them like a book. You can know exactly what they’re feeling and why. But if they don’t know that you know, it doesn’t count.
This is where a lot of marriages get stuck. One spouse says, “You don’t understand me.” The other spouse says, “I do understand you!” And they’re both telling the truth. One spouse genuinely understands. But the other spouse has no evidence of it.
Knowing without showing is a tree falling in a forest with no one around. It might be real, but it doesn’t make a sound.
Today, we’re talking about the second pillar: showing your spouse that you know them. Or, convincing your spouse you understand them.
The Secret Sauce
I’m going to give you the shortcut. If you remember one thing from this post, remember this:
Empathy is the secret sauce of communication that leads to connection.
That’s it. That’s the whole game.
Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy says, “I feel sorry for you.” Empathy says, “I feel with you.”
Brené Brown defines it beautifully: empathy is identifying with somebody’s emotions and letting them know. It’s not just understanding. It’s communicating that understanding back to them in a way they can feel.
The Bible puts it even more simply. Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
That’s empathy. When your spouse is sad, you don’t fix it. You sit in it with them. When your spouse is excited, you don’t temper it. You celebrate with them. You enter their emotional reality and let them know they’re not alone in it.
This is what God does for us. Hebrews 4:15 says we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses. Jesus knows what it feels like to be human. He entered our world, walked in our shoes, and felt what we feel. He doesn’t observe our pain from a distance. He sits in it with us.
That’s the model. Empathy isn’t optional. It’s Christlike.
The Skill Behind the Heart
Empathy is a heart posture, but it’s also a skill. And skills can be developed.
Here are three practical ways to show your spouse you actually know them.
1. Ask Clarifying Questions
When your spouse is sharing something, especially something emotional, resist the urge to respond immediately. Instead, ask questions that draw them out further.
“Tell me more about that.” “What was that like for you?” “Help me understand what you were feeling in that moment.”
Research shows it often takes three attempts to get to the heart of what someone is really thinking or feeling. The first response is surface level. The second goes a little deeper. By the third, you’re getting to what’s actually going on.
Don’t settle for the surface. Keep asking.
2. Make Summarizing Statements
This is simple but powerful. After your spouse shares something, reflect it back to them in your own words.
“So what I’m hearing is…” “It sounds like you felt…” “Let me make sure I understand. You’re saying…”
This does two things. First, it proves you were actually listening. Second, it gives them a chance to correct you if you misunderstood.
Sometimes Star will share something with me, and I’ll say, “Okay, what I hear you saying is this.” And she’ll say, “No, that’s not it at all. Here’s what I mean.” That’s not failure. That’s the process working. I would rather be corrected than walk away thinking I understood when I didn’t.
3. Respond to Bids for Attention
This one comes from the research of John and Julie Gottman. They spent 40 years studying what makes marriages succeed or fail. And one of their most important discoveries is this: successful marriages are built on small moments, not grand gestures.
They call these moments “bids for attention.”
Here’s an example. Star and I were sitting on our porch one morning drinking coffee. The sun was coming up, and I turned to her and said, “Man, that’s a beautiful sunrise.”
That’s a bid. I was inviting her into a moment with me.
She had three options. She could turn toward the bid and say, “Yeah, it really is.” She could turn away from the bid by ignoring it or staying silent. Or she could turn against the bid by rejecting it: “I’ve seen better.”
She turned toward it. She received my invitation and returned it. And that tiny moment added a brick to our bridge.
Here’s what the research found. Couples they called “masters” of relationship responded to each other’s bids 86% of the time. Couples they called “disasters” responded only 33% of the time.
That’s the difference. Not dramatic conflicts or explosive fights. Just thousands of tiny moments where one spouse reached out and the other spouse either received it or didn’t.
Pay attention to your spouse’s bids. They’re happening all the time. A comment about something they read. A look across the room. A question about your day. A hand on your shoulder.
Every bid is an invitation. Turn toward it.
When You Don’t Know What to Do
Sometimes empathy is obvious. Your spouse is sad, so you sit with them in the sadness. Your spouse is excited, so you celebrate with them.
But sometimes you don’t know what they need. You’ve listened. You’ve understood. But you’re not sure what the right response is.
Here’s your move: ask.
“I want to love you well right now. What would help?” “Do you need me to just listen, or do you want me to help you think through solutions?” “Is there something I can do?”
Don’t guess. Don’t assume. Ask.
The goal of your speech, according to Ephesians 4:29, is to say only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. According to their needs, not your assumptions about their needs. You have to know what they need, and sometimes that means asking.
Why This Pillar Matters
Knowing your spouse is internal. It happens inside you. But showing your spouse you know them is external. It’s the bridge between understanding and connection.
Without showing, your spouse feels alone even when you’re standing right next to them. They feel unseen even when you see them clearly. The gap isn’t in your understanding. It’s in your expression of it.
1 John 3:18 says, “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech alone, but with actions and in truth.”
Showing is love in action. It’s empathy expressed. It’s understanding made visible.
Curiosity gets you to knowledge. Convincing gets you to connection.
And here’s what happens when you do it well: your spouse starts to trust you with more of themselves. They share more. They open up more. The third pillar, sharing authentically, becomes possible because you’ve proven you can be trusted with what they reveal.
It all builds on itself.
One Thing to Try This Week
Here’s your assignment. This week, pay attention to your spouse’s bids for attention. Notice the small moments when they’re inviting you in.
And then turn toward them. Every time.
It won’t feel dramatic. It’s not supposed to. But by the end of the week, you’ll have laid down a hundred small bricks. And your bridge will be stronger for it.
What’s one way you could show your spouse this week that you actually know them?
Not just understand them. Show them.
The bridge doesn’t build itself. But every act of empathy is a brick.
Keep building.
Hans Molegraaf is the President and Founder of Marriage Revolution, a biblical counseling practice that has served over 4,000 couples since 2010. Hans is a Biblical Counselor with over 15 years of experience helping marriages in crisis. He and his wife, Star, personally rebuilt their marriage after infidelity and now lead Marriage Revolution’s Affair Recovery program. Hans has been featured in multiple media outlets and is passionate about bringing help and hope to every couple in every season.
