The Bridge That Holds Your Marriage Together

Marriage communication is one of the most important skills to nurture for a strong relationship.

I like to say, “Your marriage will only be as good as you both can communicate with each other.”

I know that sounds like something you’d see stitched on a pillow at Bucee’s. But after 15+ years of counseling couples and 30+ years of marriage to my wife Star, I’m convinced it’s true. And not just true in a nice, inspirational way. True in a “this is the thing that will make or break you” way.

Here’s what I’ve learned: communication, not love, is the lid on the overall health of your marriage.

Let that sink in for a second.

You can have all the love in the world for your spouse, be completely committed, and mean every word of your vows. But if you lack the ability to communicate that love well, your spouse is going to be left making assumptions at best. At worst, they’ll be stumbling around in the dark, wondering what you actually think and feel about them.

Love is a key ingredient, make no mistake. But love isn’t enough. You have to be able to communicate that love. And that’s what I want to help you understand.

What Communication Is Actually For

Most people think communication is about exchanging information. It’s not. Or at least, that’s not the main point.

The purpose of communication is connection.

Not just an exchange of words, but an emotional connection between two people. When you stood across the altar from each other and said “I do,” something supernatural happened. God took you and your spouse and made you one flesh. That happened instantaneously. It’s a miracle.

But here’s the thing: although that miracle of one flesh happens spiritually, you and your spouse have a responsibility to work out the reality of that emotionally and physically over a lifetime.

That’s what communication is for. It’s God’s means for you to accomplish connection in your marriage.

Tim Keller put it this way: “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known but not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything.”

That’s what we’re after. Being fully known and truly loved. And communication is how we get there.

The Bridge Model

I want you to think about communication as a bridge.

This bridge connects you to your spouse. And the goal of this bridge is connection. You’re building it together, you need to keep building it, and you need to recognize what threatens it.

What holds this bridge up? Three pillars.

Pillar One: Know your spouse.

Pillar Two: Show them that you know them.

Pillar Three: Share authentically so they can know you.

When two people are committed to knowing each other, showing each other that they know each other, and sharing authentically, that’s when connection happens. That’s the goal of your communication. That’s what holds the bridge up.

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to walk you through each of these pillars in detail. But first, I want you to understand why this matters so much.

Why This Is Harder Than It Sounds

If this were easy, you wouldn’t be reading this. Every couple struggles with communication at some level. So let me give you a few reasons why.

Communication problems are first heart problems.

Your mouth speaks what your heart is full of. The Bible says that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. We don’t just speak words randomly. We’re always speaking with intention, always trying to accomplish something with our words, whether we realize it or not.

That means if we’re going to work on our communication, we need to do more than just apply good principles. Getting underneath the surface is essential. Our hearts need a supernatural transformation because we can’t just pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. That means inviting God in to help us overcome the pride and selfishness so we can speak with love, patience, kindness, and self-control.

That’s not possible without Him. And it starts with recognizing that our natural bent is not going to be to speak with the fruit of the Spirit.

You and your spouse communicate differently.

This one might seem obvious, but it trips up almost every couple I work with. You have different communication styles. Maybe one of you is an extrovert while the other is an introvert. You might use a lot of words, but your spouse only uses ten on a good day. Perhaps you process out loud, and they process silently.

Here’s what I need you to understand: your differences don’t mean one of you is right and the other is wrong. You’re different by design. God made you that way on purpose. Your job isn’t to change each other. It’s to learn to adapt to each other so you can connect.

Star and I are radically different. Her idea of a great weekend is going out Friday night, family breakfast Saturday, lunch plans, dinner plans, church Sunday, more plans after. My idea of a great weekend is being alone Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. When we first got married, I thought my way was better. I thought it was superior to be an introvert. That was wrong. It took me years to realize that we were different by design, and that our differences could either rub off the rough edges of our communication or sharpen the sword of our tongues.

We chose to let them rub off the rough edges. Now our weekends are healthier than ever because we’ve adapted to each other.

Unresolved conflict damages the bridge.

Small unresolved conflicts create potholes in your bridge. You can still drive over them, but they’re annoying. They’re not supposed to be there.

Big unresolved conflicts? Those can knock out an entire pillar. Sometimes they knock out an entire section of the bridge.

I’ve worked with couples who have so much unresolved conflict between them that even on their best days of trying to communicate love, it just doesn’t get through. There’s a wall of unresolved issues standing in the way. Maybe a thousand bricks of hurt, disappointment, and unfinished conversations.

Here’s what I need you to know: I don’t care how big your wall is. I don’t care how many unresolved conflicts you have. There may be chunks of the bridge gone. Pillars might not be standing. The bridge might not even exist right now.

But there is hope to rebuild. Star and I have experienced it. We’ve seen it in countless couples we’ve worked with. Because of who God is, because He is all powerful, your marriage can be restored. Hope alone doesn’t fix things. You have to put some steps behind that hope. But it starts with believing that rebuilding is possible.

What’s Next

Over the next three weeks, I’m going to take you deeper into each pillar of this bridge.

Next week, we’ll look at what it actually means to know your spouse. Not just surface level stuff, but how to understand their world, hear what’s beneath their words, and create the kind of environment where they feel safe enough to let you in.

The week after, we’ll cover how to show them you actually listened. Because knowing isn’t enough. You have to prove it. That’s where empathy becomes your secret weapon.

And in the final post, we’ll tackle the hardest pillar for a lot of people: sharing authentically. Because your spouse can’t love what you won’t reveal. If you’ve got ten words on your best day, this one’s for you.

For now, I want you to sit with one question:

Which pillar of your bridge needs the most work right now? Knowing your spouse, showing them you know them, or sharing authentically yourself?

Be honest with yourself. And if you’re brave, talk about it with your spouse tonight.

Because the bridge won’t build itself. But it can be built. And it’s worth every bit of effort.

Frequently Asked Questions About Communication in Marriage