If your spouse has told you they want a divorce, take a breath before you do anything. As painful as this moment is, your marriage is not beyond hope, and there are real steps you can take even when your spouse is unwilling to take any. I am not writing this from theory. My wife and I walked through a six-month separation, and God restored what looked completely over.
Here is what to do when your spouse wants a divorce:
- Renew your mind with the truth that God is for you, with you, and able to restore your marriage.
- Get the right help from people committed to restoration and not just your relief.
- Examine your own heart honestly and clear your conscience before God and your spouse.
- Love your spouse even when it is not returned.
- Pray for your spouse, and enlist others to pray.
- Be patient, and pursue your spouse out of faithfulness to God rather than a guaranteed outcome.
The rest of this guide walks through each one. First, my story, because I want you to know this hope is tested.
I’ll Never Forget That Day
I had been out of town for about a week, and I couldn’t wait to be home to see my wife and 2 year old daughter.
Things had been rough in our marriage, but while I was out of town, I felt like my love for her was renewed. I would be different when I got home: more patient, gentle, less angry. Our marriage was going to be different.
My excitement to share my fresh start with Star quickly turned to confusion as I pulled into the driveway to her standing outside and holding hands with our innocent, red haired, pig tailed daughter by her side. Next to them were two suitcases.
I got out of the car and asked what was going on.
She was noticeably distant and silent for a few moments, then she looked up and said with a cold determination, “Hans, I’m leaving.”
“What?!”
“I said, I’m leaving.”
“Why?”
“Are you kidding me? Why?“
It was the start of our six month separation where I fought for our marriage. Alone.
If you are in the early days of this in your own marriage, I wrote a guide specifically for the first seven days after betrayal is discovered from my own experience walking this road.
I was in unbelief. I felt like I was hit by a truck. I didn’t even argue with her, I was so shocked. She had begged me to go to counseling for some of our problems for months, but now I was ready. And now this?! I didn’t fully understand what was happening until she drove away.
The most heartbreaking calls and emails that come into my counseling office resemble stories like this. One spouse wants out. The other doesn’t, and is left confused and hopeless, desperately searching for anything that will save the marriage.
What do you do in a situation like this, or how do you help a friend walk through a situation like this? Before you do anything, there are a few things you need to know.
Start By Renewing Your Mind
God is for you. God shares your desire for your marriage to be restored, so please don’t worry about this. Remember, “What God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:6). He wants your marriage to work, and he is working in you to accomplish reconciliation. Your marriage is a picture of Christ’s relationship with the church, and he longs to help you display that image in a way that captures how he laid down his life for his bride.
God is with you. My separation from Star was one of the loneliest times of my life, and I had a godly community, family, and counselors in place at the time. But at night, when no one was around, I didn’t feel anyone’s presence except God’s. I’m not sure I have ever experienced intimate fellowship with God, the kind where my soul felt so upheld in his hands, more than I did during this season. Think of that profound togetherness as more of a slow cooker than a microwave. It deepened my ability to keep choosing to walk with him, to choose his presence rather than the clawing ache of my despair. In my moments of grief, I had to remember and believe, despite the empty pillow beside me and the vacant dinner table, that “The LORD is near to all who call on him” (Psalm 145:18) and “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).
There is hope. As bad as your situation might be, it is not beyond God’s power to fix it. Do you believe this in your gut? God is not only for your marriage, he also has the power to do something about it. “I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?” (Jeremiah 32:27). Remember who you are dealing with, the Creator and continued Orchestrator of the universe, and that power is not distant. As a follower of Christ, the same Spirit of God who raised Jesus from the dead is living inside you (Romans 8:11). Because of this, you can have hope. Do you believe God still raises dead things?
Memorize these truths. Think about them. Recite them in the moments you feel their exact opposite. Ask God to help you believe them. There is rest on the other side (Matthew 11:28). These words spoken by God himself will be a solid foundation for you in the days ahead, and a springboard that gives you strength to carry out the practical steps that follow.
Your First Steps When Your Spouse Wants Out
Get help. Although God provides everything you need during this season (2 Peter 1:3), he also gave us community as a tangible expression of his presence, comfort, and help. It is not good for a man, or a woman, to be alone. God desires to express his love, care, and support to you through his people. You might be strong, but remember 1 Corinthians 12: “The eye cannot say to the hand, I have no need of you.” If one member suffers, all suffer together. Galatians 6 goes further and says that in bearing each other’s burdens, we fulfill the law of Christ. Even with Jesus, you are not meant to go it alone.
Get the right help. During our six month separation, many godly people encouraged me to divorce Star. They saw my pain and wanted to provide me relief, and they did it out of love, but their love was shallow. God’s love is deep, and deep love wants more than relief. Deep love wants restoration. Surround yourself with people who are committed not just to supporting you but to supporting what God wants for you, which is a high view of marriage and your restoration.
Get right. This is the most challenging thing I have to say to you, but it needs to be said. Your spouse is not the only one to blame for the condition of your marriage (read 1 John 1:10 if you doubt this). I am not saying you are responsible for your spouse’s actions. I am saying that two people are to blame for the condition of your marriage. Regardless of the circumstances, your first act of love toward a wayward spouse is to clear your conscience and take the log out of your own eye (Matthew 7:3-5). Ask the Lord to reveal these areas to you (Psalm 139:23-24), confess them to him (1 John 1:9), and then admit them to your spouse (James 5:16).
Love them, even if they aren’t lovable right now. One of the verses that blew my mind during our separation was Romans 5:8: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this, while we were still sinners Christ died for us.” Before we knew him, obeyed him, or expressed any sorrow for our sin, he chose to love us, and that kindness is what drew us to repentance in the first place (Romans 2:4). We are called to imitate that love (Ephesians 5:1-2), even toward a wayward spouse. It can be hard to know what love looks like toward someone who doesn’t want your love, so get wise counsel on what it should look like in your situation. In a nutshell, the goal of your love should be the care and Christlikeness of your spouse.
Pray for them. You can influence a spouse to change, but you cannot make them change. The humility of your confession and the sincerity of your love may create a better environment for it, but only the Spirit of God can ultimately change their heart (Zechariah 4:6). Pray with this in mind. Enlist others to pray. Fast. Gather with others to pray. I will be forever thankful to a few families who didn’t just say they would pray but actually prayed for my marriage to be restored.
Be patient. Months before Star turned back to our marriage, God was working on her heart at night when she laid her head on the pillow, and I had no idea. She was fighting me, rejecting me, and pursuing a divorce during the day, while God was working on her by night. You never know what God is up to, but know that he is up to something. Put your head down, pray for your spouse, and love them like there is no tomorrow. Don’t underestimate what God is doing behind the scenes, and remember all of the promises in Scripture to those who wait on him.
Pursue with the right purpose. Although God wants your marriage to work, and although he has the power to make it happen, your spouse is a moral decision maker who can resist God’s invitation to change. It takes two to make a good marriage and only one to destroy it. I know that is hard to hear, but it is true. This shouldn’t lead to a lazy pursuit of your spouse, but to a pursuit marked by freedom. Pursue your spouse primarily to make your ways pleasing to God, not simply to get your spouse back. God calls you to faithfulness, not success. If those purposes get reversed, your marriage has become too important. Make your pursuit of Christ, not your spouse, the most important thing in this season. In doing so, you create the best possible environment for your spouse to change, and more importantly, God will be glorified, which is the most important thing of all (1 Corinthians 10:31).
Common Questions When Your Spouse Wants A Divorce
Yes, it can, though there are no guarantees, because your spouse is a moral decision maker God will not force. It takes two people to build a healthy marriage and only one to damage it, so your job is not to control the outcome but to be faithful to God in how you pursue your spouse. Only the Spirit of God can ultimately change a heart (Zechariah 4:6), and he often works in ways you cannot see. Many marriages that looked finished have been restored when one spouse kept loving, praying, and waiting.
Scripture is clear that God is for the restoration of your marriage. Jesus said, “What God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:6), and your marriage is meant to picture Christ’s covenant love for the church. God hates the breaking of that covenant (Malachi 2:16), and his power to raise dead things is not limited by how far gone your situation feels (Jeremiah 32:27). Hope here is not naive optimism. It rests on the character and power of God.
Start with your own heart and mind before you try to manage your spouse. Renew your thinking with the truth that God is for you, with you, and able to restore what feels broken, then get wise help from people committed to your marriage and not just your comfort. Examine your own contribution honestly and clear your conscience before God and your spouse (Matthew 7:3-5). Reacting out of panic almost always makes things worse, so the first move is inward and upward, not toward control.
Longer than feels reasonable, because you never know when God may grant the gift of repentance (2 Timothy 2:25-26). During my own separation from Star, God was at work in her heart at night during the very months she was pursuing a divorce by day, and I had no idea. Pursue your spouse out of faithfulness to God rather than a guaranteed result, and let that free you from despair when progress is slow. Wise counsel can help you discern what faithful love looks like in your specific situation.
Yes. My wife packed two suitcases and left with our two year old daughter, and we walked through a six month separation before God restored our marriage. We are now more than thirty years past that day. A separation is not the end of your story unless you decide it is, and God is able to do far more than you can imagine, even when the pillow beside you is empty.
You were never meant to walk through this alone. If your marriage is in crisis, our biblical counselors are here to help, and if infidelity is part of your story, our affair recovery program was built for exactly this.
Hans Molegraaf is the President and Founder of Marriage Revolution, a biblical counseling practice that has served over 4,000 couples since 2010. Hans is a Biblical Counselor with over 15 years of experience helping marriages in crisis. He and his wife, Star, personally rebuilt their marriage after infidelity and now lead Marriage Revolution’s Affair Recovery program. Hans has been featured in multiple media outlets and is passionate about bringing help and hope to every couple in every season.
