If you’ve recently discovered your spouse’s affair, I’d be willing to bet your mind has been ambushed by intrusive thoughts. They come fast. They come uninvited. And they refuse to leave quietly.
What if they cheat again?
What if they don’t really love me?
What if I’m not enough?
What if this pain never goes away?
What if our marriage can’t be restored?
What if I can’t ever trust them again?
I want you to hear me clearly: you are not alone.
Those dark, repetitive, and relentless thoughts feed on isolation. One “what if” leads to another until your mind feels like it’s caught in a blizzard, where the storm clouds of fear block out any sense of hope.
But here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay stuck in the storm around the affair. God gives you a way to take your thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and breathe truth into the thoughts that betrayal whispers.
Let’s walk through four powerful phrases that can help you in this battle:
Phrase #1: “I am _________”
Intrusive thoughts are often triggered by unacknowledged emotions. The first step toward healing from the affair is to pause and honestly identify what those thoughts are. Say them out loud, but also write them down. As you release the loud, intrusive thoughts from your mind, their volume will decrease, creating space for other thoughts to emerge.
Speak what you’re feeling, and write down what you’re experiencing.
I am devastated.
I am angry.
I am broken.
I am scared of the future.
I am grieving what I thought we had.
Don’t minimize or bury what you feel. Unnamed pain has more power over you than named pain. When you speak it, you strip it of some of its control.
Phrase #2: “God, I am _________”
It’s one thing to acknowledge your emotions. It’s another to bring them to the only One who can truly hold them.
God isn’t intimidated by your honesty. He is inviting you to let Him help you carry your hurt.
“God, I am terrified I’ll never trust again. I am overwhelmed with images I can’t get out of my head. I am drowning in sadness.”
This isn’t about informing God of something He doesn’t know. It’s about reminding your heart that you are not alone. When you pour out your soul to Him, you declare that your story and your healing don’t rest in your strength but in His presence.
Remember this: Isolation is the oxygen these thoughts related to the affair need to breathe, but healing starts when you speak these thoughts to God.
Phrase #3: “You are _________”
When David was betrayed by someone he deeply trusted (a close companion who had walked with him in worship and friendship), his heart was crushed. In Psalm 55 he says, “If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it… But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship” (vv. 12–14).
David’s natural response was fear, anguish, and even a desire to escape the pain: “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest” (v. 6). He knew the ache of betrayal all too well…the sleepless nights, the racing thoughts, the “what ifs.”
But instead of letting betrayal consume him, David turned his eyes upward. He declared who God was in the middle of his pain: “As for me, I call to God, and the Lord saves me… He rescues me unharmed from the battle waged against me”(vv. 16, 18).
Like David, you may not understand the “why” behind your spouse’s affair, but you can steady your heart by remembering the “Who” that never changes. Naming your emotions (Phrase #1) is important, but the storm in your mind will only begin to quiet when you move to Phrase #3: declaring who God is in the middle of your betrayal.
Your healing doesn’t just come from identifying what you feel. It comes from declaring who God is in the middle of your pain.
Your goal is to suffer well. And enduring well means facing your pain while also facing the God of your pain. As you do, your thoughts will become less intrusive, and your mind will start to be less controlled by paralyzing fear and pain, and start to be controlled and led by an all-powerful, all-loving, all-knowing God.
Focus on who God is in the midst of your pain:
Intrusive thought: What if I can’t handle this?
Truth: God, You are my strength (Psalm 46:1).
Intrusive thought: What if I’m abandoned?
Truth: God, You are with me (Hebrews 13:5).
Intrusive thought: What if I can’t ever trust again?
Truth: God, I can always trust you even when I’m struggling to trust others (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Intrusive thought: Why did he betray me?
Truth: God, You search hearts and know all things. You are my refuge when I don’t have answers (Jeremiah 17:10; Psalm 46:1).
Intrusive thought: Maybe I wasn’t enough.
Truth: God, You say I am fearfully and wonderfully made, fully loved and accepted in Christ (Psalm 139:14; Ephesians 1:6).
Intrusive thought: What if they are still hiding things?
Truth: God, nothing is hidden from Your sight, and You will bring everything into the light (Hebrews 4:13; Luke 8:17).
Intrusive thought: Maybe our marriage is over.
Truth: God, You are my restorer and redeemer. With You, nothing is impossible (Joel 2:25; Matthew 19:26).
Intrusive thought: I can’t stop the painful thoughts.
Truth: God, You promise to keep me in perfect peace when my mind stays on You (Isaiah 26:3; Philippians 4:8).
Intrusive thought: People will judge me or look down on me if they find out about the affair.
Truth: God, You are my defender, and my worth comes from You, not from people (Psalm 62:5–7; Galatians 1:10).
Intrusive thought: I’ll never be able to forgive.
Truth: God, You are my help, and through Your Spirit I can forgive as You forgave me (Colossians 3:13; Philippians 4:13).
Intrusive thought: They will never truly understand what this did to me.
Truth: God, You are near to the brokenhearted and You fully understand my pain (Psalm 34:18; Hebrews 4:15).
Declare who He is. Let His character anchor your spinning mind.
Phrase #4: “I will _________”
Intrusive thoughts can paralyze you. They make you want to withdraw, shut down, or escape. But God gives peace not just to soothe you, but to move you.
Faith becomes real when it’s followed by action. Ask God, What step are You calling me to take?
- I will tell my spouse or a trusted friend instead of isolating.
- I will open my Bible before I open my phone.
- I will take a walk.
- I will practice gratitude instead of dwelling on my grief.
- I will pray out loud.
- I will breathe slowly and be still.
- I will limit my hypervigilance regarding my spouse’s texts and emails.
- I will not turn to excessive drinking, drugs, or other means of numbing out.
- I will choose to share my hurt instead of harmful anger.
- I will choose self-controlled responses over self-gratifying reactions to my pain.
The Result
These aren’t magic fixes. They’re steps of faith…small ways you choose healing over hiding.
Your measure of success isn’t getting rid of the pain, but growing in your ability to trust God in the middle of your pain and increasingly resting in him instead of your circumstances.
As you do, your are taking significant steps in the direction out of this season…which will eventually pass.
Hans co-founded Marriage Revolution with his wife, Star, in 2010. He counsels couples who are recovering from infidelity in The Woodlands, TX, and provides leadership and direction to Marriage Revolution.
